No Sleeping On The Job

It's 3:14 AM and you're in the deepest stage of sleep, the period where your body gets most of the benefits of rest. You're dreaming about a world without litterboxes; it's really a very happy place. You feel warm and content and - and - and you can't breathe? Your chest feels heavy and there's this horrible, moist, fishy aroma in the air.

*SMACK*

You wake up, dazed and confused, and see two bright wide eyes peering back at you. It's a cat, sitting on your chest, watching you sleep and slapping you awake. Job well done, cat. You push the feline off the bed and roll over, curling up beneath the sheets. A moment later. . .

Sleep is a precious time you share with your one true love, the pillow. Why doesn't your cat want you to sleep? What did you ever do that was so horribly wrong?

There are two theories about why your cats want to play and hug and cuddle in the middle of the night, while ignoring all attempts at affection during "normal" hours. Today I'll be discussing the slightly more paranoid theory.

It's not that cats don't like us or think we're stupid - quite the opposite, in fact. Cats understand the importance of sleep on a person's cognitive function and motor skills. They also understand the importance of planning ahead, even for something that's a long ways down the road.

Fact: A person with a good night's rest is more likely to put up a fight than someone who needs two cups of coffee in the morning to spell his first name. When the cats' PSA declaring world domination goes on air, the sleep deprived humans will stare at their TV screen in a stupor, submitting to the aliens' demands without struggle.

The best thing you can do when a cat wakes you up in the middle of the night is to stroke and assure them that when the time comes, you won't put up a resistance. The faster the world takeoever is, the sooner everything will be back to normal (for cat owners, anyway).