I can't do everything for you, scientists

You know, I'm not an expert on cats. I'm not trying to pretend that I am or mislead anyone. I'm just your average crazy cat lady with my (more than a) half dozen felines. I base my theories on what I see and attempt to form the most logical conclusions and explanations based on these experiences. It's understandable that perhaps, sometimes, my theories might be incorrect. So far they haven't, of course.

However, I would expect that a professional - someone who gets paid to deal with cats on a regular basis - would have better knowledge about the bundles of fur they're handling. You would think that people like scientists and vets would be aware of the extra-terrestrial qualities of of the animals they care for and study, but apparently not.

Consider this article, which attempts, poorly, to answer the question "Why does my cat sleep all day?"

This is the explanation they've concocted:

Biologists pin this feline affinity for sleep on two things: Their typically protein-rich diet, which requires long periods of rest to aid in proper digestion, and their naturally crepuscular (dawn and dusk) predatory pattern, which blather blather blather . . .

If you don't understand/care about the explanation, let me sum it up: Scientists are guessing that cats sleep a lot because they eat lots of cheeseburgers and like to party at various times during the day. I think they've confused cats with college students.

F(r)at cat.

Yeah, that must be it. Who among us doesn't become exhausted after eating a chicken sandwich or running a lap around the house?

Come on, science. I know you're all about animals and biology and I know that you're big on astronomy and space and aliens. Now it's time to put those two concepts together. This is the explanation I've come up with, which seems a far more practical explanation for why cats sleep 25 hours a day. Surely, if a small-town gal like me can come up with something like this, the professionals should be able to come up with something equally solid.

Here, I'll even get you started with a research question: How does that sleeping-cat-energy get absorbed by the mothership? Is there a way we can harness that energy to power other things, maybe like automatic food dispensers?

It's a Cutesplosion!

Babies. They're cute. Big eyes, soft skin, and little noses result in massive amounts of squealing, hugging, and kissing. This isn't unique to human babies; these traits are universal. Puppies, kittens, monkeys - hell, even baby alligators trigger that special caring/nurturing mode inside of us.

Rawr! When I grow up I'm gonna be big and strong, just like my mommy!

Scientists believe in an evolutionary reason behind cuteness. Cute babies are healthy babies and cute babies get more attention from mom. Let's say someone has a set of fraternal twins; whoever has the most symmetrical face, the biggest eyes, and the nicest smile is going to get more attention. Same with animals. Endangered species that are considered cute have a better chance of surviving than more homely species simply because more people will care (Leonard 2007).

In order to understand why cats are so cute, it's important to explain what makes a baby anything so appealing in the first place.

In terms of evolution, there are certain subtle characteristics about a person that indicate just how healthy it is. It's not that there's some checklist or anything, it's simply that the bigger a human baby's eyes or the smaller it's mouth, the more healthy it is (healthy meaning fewer genetic mutations). Symmetry is also a big factor; it plays a role in not just how we react to babies, but how we find mates attractive, as well.

Large and symmetrical heads, big eyes, and a small mouth and nose make babies very appealing to us. These traits also apply to cats - and to the extreme. Proportionate to size their bodies, cats have the biggest eyes of any land mammal. Include soft fur and you excessive cuteness stuffed into a small, purry package. The cuter something is, the more we want it in our homes and on our laps.

And you know what? They know it's our weakness and they use it against us. A kitten could go into a store and demand that you put all the tuna into the duffel bag and nobody gets hurt and you'd be all like "Okie-dokie, but only if you let me rub your little tummy-wummy first!"

Cats don't just manipulate us in appearance, though. Oh, no - cats have learned to work us into a puddle of obedient mush with meowing and purring. A study by behavioral ecologist Karen McComb found that, as with babies, humans can distinguish between the different kinds of purrs from a cat. We know the difference between a hungry/whining (pleading) purr and one of content (Peeples 2009). To persuade us to fulfill their desires, cats can also employ a high-frequency meow that is incredibly similar to the cry of a human baby.

Have you fallen victim to feline adorability?